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Word Gems
Personal Statement #38 Love In The AfterLife
September 27, 2009
Ed, one of my readers, shared with me, in conversation, a most personal story. He has allowed me to offer it here. I present to you the essence of what he told me...
We were only 13... but she was a woman... and I was still a kid We were only 13... in junior high. We had been friends for awhile. I knew that I liked Kerri, but I was very young, and very much interested in "guy things." Even though we were the same age, she was more mature, ahead of me. One day - it may have been while we were walking, I forget - she wanted me to know something. She was excited. I forget the words she used, but she wanted me to know that she loved me. I didn't know what to do with this. I really wasn't ready for something heavy. It's true that I liked her, I liked her a lot, but I think her words messed with my head. Maybe I was afraid. I suppose I was. I was very immature. You know how it is. Girls at that age are always ahead of boys.
I started to pull back from her. We didn't walk together anymore. I guess I felt things were going too fast for me. But she changed, too. She pulled back from me, too. This is the way it was all through high school. We didn't talk at all anymore. Wherever I was, she wouldn't be there. I think she found ways to be apart. That's not all, though. She was so distant from me in spirit. She seemed like another person. Sort of lifeless. That old spark of hers was now missing. I remembered how excited she had been to be with me. But all of that life was gone from her. She became a stranger to me. I can hardly believe that happened. This made me feel rejected by her. Of course, I rejected her first. But, even so, this made me feel like there was a gigantic barrier between us, and I felt like I couldn't even talk to her anymore. As I said, I was immature. I didn't know how to handle this. We graduated. I went away. I tried not to think of her anymore, thought I would just leave it all behind. I got busy with life. For about 10 years, until I was in my late 20s, I didn't think of her too much. I had put her out of my mind. Or so I thought. I came to a point in my life when her image began to come back to me. I started to grieve for her. I am 47 now. I have grieved for Kerri for 20 years. I have lived with the terror of having lost her for 20 years. It's been 20 years since I woke up to who she really is to me. During that time, I have tried to deal with this. For awhile, I would again attempt to put her out of my mind; but then, she would just come back, stronger than ever. Her memory, and my grief, is like a constant awareness - a pain - that never goes away. She is always there. I know that it's going to be this way now.
In recent years, as my awareness has grown, I have realized that I had repressed her memory for a long time. And I see that this hidden grief in my life was making me a little crazy. It caused me to make certain decisions in my life that were not the best. And I wondered what I should do about this. I also came to the point where I was able to look at things from her perspective. I realized - it made me sad - that she had repressed the memory of me, too. I began to see what had happened in high school. I saw that she, too, was dealing with her grief. And doing the best she could. I was married at one time. I have one grown child. I'm seeing someone, but the relationship is not satisfying. Kerri is married, with children, her second marriage. I know she is not happy in her marriage. In any case, I decided that I needed to contact her. My grief and depression said that I had to. She was surprised, shocked, at my phone call, could hardly speak. But, after a short while, I felt from her that old excitement, just to be with me. And I remember my feelings, too, as I spoke to her. I had this feeling that she was more like me than anyone I'd ever known. And talking to her, even on the phone, was like "coming Home."
Things are complicated. I've spoken to her a few times. I haven't seen her yet, but we'll probably meet sometime. There are children to think about. We both know that we have something special in this life, maybe, for the next life, too, but things are complicated now. That's just the way it is. I really can't apologize too much for being immature, it's just the way I was. I know we came to this world to learn things, not necessarily to get what we want. But I do know that there will be a time for us in the future. Maybe later in this life, I don't know. But, as you say, that's what Summerland is for.
As I think about it, I had one main reason why I wanted to call her. I wanted to say that I was sorry for being blind at age 13. I wanted to tell her that, even though it doesn't change anything. I wanted her to hear these words because I had caused her more pain than I will know.
One thing, now... at least I know where she is. At least she is not lost to me anymore. At least I don't have to go through life never seeing or hearing from her. At least I can see her face, maybe, once or twice a year... if nothing else, at least I was able to hear her voice one more time... someday, there will be an end to this nightmare, one that I myself created...
The Greatest Gift In The World In the article honoring my friend Carolyn
(P.S. #30), I quoted Father Henri Nouwen, in
What is the greatest service that one might render? Might it be a great philanthropy? a large check given to a worthy charity? Maybe, great intelligence, formidable enough to solve ancient and deep mysteries? Could it be exquisite talent, so brilliant as to reveal to us, in song, painting, or verse, the beauties of heaven itself? Such things are wonderful, and we need more of it... but not everyone is blessed in these areas. One might say that agape-love is the greatest service and gift. Paul argued for this in I Corinthians 13. It is hard to disagree with the Apostle. And I shall not. But I will merely add a thought to Paul's grand teaching. It is said that agape-love begins with a decision; that we can always choose to give to others. This is true. But others are not always of a mind to receive, even the goodness of God. We see this all around us everyday. But there is one gift that even the hardest heart cannot help but notice... cannot help but begin to receive. This most basic gift, one most powerful and efficacious for good, is hinted at in Father Nouwen's story.
It is the gift, to another, of one's Singular Purified Presence! It is the gift, to the world, of one simply being... sometimes, even without words, simply being... often, without the need for activity, simply being. It is the Free and Independent Soul enjoying its own Completeness... and allowing others to witness what this is like. There is nothing more powerful, nothing more efficacious for good - no greater gift - in the Universe than this! Such gifts are rare. If you ever encounter a Person able to offer this gift, you will remember it always. You will remember it because you will be granted a glimpse of what True Life might be like!
Woman's Greatest Gift to Man She, of course, offers a man many things. Her tenderness. Her graciousness. Her body. Her maternal instincts. Her intuition. Her softness. Her mind. Her empathy. Her teasing laughter. Her soothing voice. Her sparkling eyes. Her compassion. Her company. Her warmth on a cold night, or any night... and much more. As wonderful as all of this is, mere "debits and credits," even that of the Jello Girl (P.S. #26), will not permanently endear her to a man... these, alone, will not cause a man like Ed to grieve for his Kerri for 20 years... not at all... I once told you that you need never fear the competition of The Jello Girl... if you can show him The Dazzling Darkness!
By this I meant to say, if you are The One to help him access the wonder of his own Soul, The Jello Girl might, if at all, momentarily register with, and distract, his tortured heart, but, even in this, only as he makes his way back to yearning for you... and he will yearn for you, every day of his troubled and incomplete existence, as he would yearn for his own life; that life, which is not life, without you... and he will do so for his three-score and ten, and beyond... "I will be waiting, I will be waiting" is his constant prayer to you... and, even in the Next Life, he will continue to wait for you... and grieve for you... you, that absent part of his own Soul... The Jello Girl cannot compete with that. The saint, of whom Father Nouwen spoke, will help us a little here; but the brief glimpse of the Soul offered by such good person is nothing compared to that earthshaking mystical experience that she - that one Particular Woman - might offer to him - that one Particular Man. But, it's not quite that simple. She might even be his Twin Soul. But unless she, to say nothing of him, has gone through the purging fires of "the long dark night of the soul," she will find her soul-energies temporarily offline, inaccessible to him. Considering this, in a sense, her greatest gift to him is her own private sufferings, that inner cleansing necessary to defuse the power of the Ego (P.S. #36). She will, of course, primarily endure such purification to satisfy her own sense of dignity... or will she? She, this one who is so closely attached to another - that special other, that Half to her Being, with whom she craves to share the status of One Person - will endure personal transformation, not just for herself, but... for him... and she will bear these pains because only she... only she... is God's gift to him, as she alone can reveal The Dazzling Darkness, the wonder of his own Soul! And this, I think, is a woman's greatest gift to a man... to a particular man.
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