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Word Gems
What is a man but the sum of his thoughts?

June 24, 2009

first stirrings...

a farmboy's venture into the world of dating

(November, 2008)  my hair is so gray... well, at least I still have hair

hey... I know what a girl is... no, really, I do.

I mean, there's one right over there, just down the path, on the next farm.

ok, you're right... she's not really a girl, she's just my cousin... cousins are not girls, they don't count... but I ride horses with her...  she is a little bit sassy sometimes though...

Hayfield Strategies

I remember one sultry-hot July evening... 1968, I think. I am 17. It is a Saturday night, just about 9 PM, the sun is going down, and I am miffed, more than miffed, at Dad because we are still working in the hayfield!

%!$#*@&... grumble

(June, 1952) Dad and I would work together for many years.

Now it will be 10:30 before I can get home, get cleaned up, and make it into town to check out the action...

%!$#*@&... grumble

A friend has furtively provided to me sensitive information that a certain girl is interested in me, and I want to find her...

• Editor's note: I couldn't know then how much, later in life, I would miss some of those times working with Dad. Today, the mere scent of newly-slain grass sends me back to those early days.

a hayfield at sunset... in P.S. #28 I will speak of "portals of entry"... and I think I'm looking

 at one  now... farm work was such a big part of my life... but then, in a moment, it was gone

I never did find her, or talk to her. Nice girl, but, anyway, it would have been a mistake. But, upon arriving in town, I was met by one of my buddies. He has a plan that can't miss and wants me to help pull it off. There's this girl from another town that he's interested in - and he wants to "drive around" with her.

My strategic positioning in all of this, as he sees it, is to keep her girlfriend occupied. I am to be with her in the backseat... doesn't matter what I do, just keep her busy, he says.

Sting, Fields of Gold you'll remember me when the west wind moves upon the fields of barley... in his arms she fell as her hair came down, among the fields of gold... will you stay with me, will you be my love, among the fields of barley  ... feel her body rise when you kiss her mouth among the fields of gold...I swear in the days still left we'll walk in fields of gold... many years have passed since those summer days...

I hate this plan right from the start.

Anyway, so there I am in the backseat with this girl. Actually, she's a really nice girl, a very pretty girl, and a smart girl, a good student. She would remind me of Karen. (see The Deceptiveness of Romantic Love )

Backseat Driven

Even so, I clearly recall that I did not like being there. For one thing, I didn't like somebody else pairing me up with anyone, I'll do that on my own. But, the worst thing, she immediately, it seems to me, begins "playing a role." I have never seen this girl before, but, without customary pause for polite introductions, she comes close, presses against me, as if I'm supposed to do something now.

And I perceive that this girl, with a high social IQ, but only in a conventional sense, is acting according to "what is expected" in such situations; she seems to think she knows what she's doing. But it all seemed so unnatural to me, so contrived.

Funny thing... maybe I might have been interested in considering her, but this "reading from a script," this academy-award-winning affection, took all of the joy and mystery out of the process.

I did not kiss her or touch her... I just wanted to leave.

Dispensation from the priest

It's not that I was averse to kissing... it wasn't against my religion... well, actually, I guess it was. I remember speaking with my friend Grover Diemert (P.S #11), essentially, asking his permission that I might have certain physical contact with certain attractive others. He flatly denied my request for dispensation - ha, ha! 

This is hilarious to me now. I suppose he slowed me down for awhile, which was probably good... I guess [smile].

The Kiss of Death:

One of the great lessons of my life

I remember one incident with an unusually-pretty girl... so instructive to me! no, really, I mean that! I had just graduated from high school, would soon be attending NDSU. I won't say that I was enchanted by her, it wasn't that way, I didn't think about her... well, not very much [smile]. But she was excessively beautiful.

And I will say, even 40 years later, having seen much of the world, I would still have to include this girl as one of the world's most beautiful women. I didn't ask her out, this was never a plan. But we happened to be at a function together, and we left at the same time. I walked her home, and we were together for awhile that very-late summer evening.

She wanted to kiss me, and, dispensation or not [smile],  I wanted to kiss her... or, so I thought.

What ensued would be one of the great lessons of romantic love in my life. I should tell you, as you might guess, that, despite her great beauty, I felt no substantial heart-connection with this girl. I never had. And, after being with her, at close range, strangely, I sensed the distance between us growing... exponentially!

How very strange to me!

And when I kissed her - I can still remember this event of 40 years ago, but not in the way that you might think - I distinctly remember a sensation of emptiness within myself! How lifeless that kiss seemed to me! How dead!

Well... I suppose there are worse ways to die... yes, the inducement to suicide is suddenly quite strong [smile]... was he pushed, or did he jump? the coroner wants to know... nevertheless, I remember being shocked by all this.

Was I shocked because I, within my Deepest Self, was expecting something... or someone... else?

Rod Stewart, You're In My Heart ... her ad lib lines were well rehearsed... but my heart cried out for you

And I'm thinking... this is not the way it happens in the movies! There were no fireworks! no starbursts! no magic! no joy! no chemistry! just a great inner void, a ghostly lifeless silence!

How amazing to me! How could this happen? ... she, ostensibly, one of the prettiest girls in the world! no, this is not the way it happens in the movies.

I thought about this for some time... was there something wrong with me? But it also occurred to me that many people, "some fool," would get married under the cloud of such delusion... not a good thing... even with one of the prettiest girls in the world.

• Editor's note: The story is told of Abraham Lincoln who, while in the White House, when unexpectedly biting into a too-hot potato, immediately, with some measure of violence, spat it out, and muttered, "some fool would have swallowed that!"

Don't save the cheerleader... save your world

I went through a phase at NDSU - it didn't last long, you need not envy it - during which I tested myself to see if the most attractive girls would go out with me. So, I asked out one of the high-profile NDSU football cheerleaders - a very nice girl, a petite blonde. She immediately agreed. That was too easy!

(1969) Here I am in the dorm, goofing around with some of my buddies at NDSU

I won't say much about what happened, because not much happened. It was a replay of some of the awkward "backseat" event, and also what I sensed with the kiss-of-death girl. When I was alone with her, I just had this feeling that it was all wrong... I knew that I had no heart-connection with this pretty girl... and, therefore, should not have been there, alone with her... again, I found, I witnessed within myself, the strange perception,  this overriding sense of emptiness and separateness and disconnection! Was I expecting something... or someone... else?

I just needed to politely excuse myself. I did so, and manufactured cause to end the interview in a somewhat untimely manner.

Two years later, I would find myself living in Europe, which, by the way, was a great experience; although, I would have traded it for an amicable one in my home community.

Nevertheless, the Universe would arrange for me to have one of the richest and most wonderful experiences of my life... with Denise... well, actually... I suppose that's not true, not true at all... I think what part of me is saying is that it should have been so... how could it not have been so, given all that Denise was... but, I'm getting ahead of my story.

(August, 1973) Denise Trocherie, one of the sweetest girls in the world

I met Denise through my good friend, Bernard, a Parisian, a fellow student at college in England.

(August, 1973) Bernard (far right), a great guy, and I (taking the photo) in Paris. 

I spent a week with Denise at her parents' farm, about an hour south of Paris. Denise truly was the "perfect resume," the "perfect girl"; a genuinely good person; sweet, a special kind of intoxicating sweetness resident in the French female, a frequently-occurring trait of those whose culture deifies romantic love; very attractive features; petite, well-formed body, fine hands; artistic and sensitive, a lover of the arts; humble, a solicitous spirit; gracious, soft voice; but not servile-docile: spunky, sass-and-ass, as required; smart, sophisticated, sharp; work ethic... hell, she could milk cows, by hand! She could do everything around the farm; and the whole family was wonderful; the parents, warm and inviting; the other kids, open-spirited and friendly.

• Editor's note: Some young women I've known have thought it too injurious to their image to publicly make appearance in work clothes; too plebeian to be seen negotiating manual labor; too blue-collar, too likely to muss one's hair, to milk cows, to carry buckets, to scrub calf pens... All I will say to you is, if you present yourself Inauthentically, you run the risk, the near certainty, of attracting the same.

I liked everything about this encounter; everything was so positive, such a remarkable experience.

(August, 1973) Denise's brothers, playing soccer in the farmyard. The house and barn, ancient and made of stone, are connected, form one extended unit.

Not a choice, not really... 

And we spoke French and English to each other; spent an entire week, all day, each day, till late night, together; walked and talked, together, laughed together, on the dirt roads, under the dark star-bursting night-sky canopy... together.

Her parents were very positive toward me, grew fond of me. I liked them very much. I know they wished to keep me.

• If ever there were an environment conducive to falling in love; if environments could produce such wonder; if one's choice could precipitate this kind of marvel; if the well wishes and promptings of others could prove efficacious... then surely, I would have fallen in love... but it didn't happen ... and throughout the process, that entire week, I noted within myself, I was aware, of a quite-low reading on my internal "in love" meter.

And I learned, with a depth of insight equal to few lessons in life, that, on one level, it's possible to be quite attracted to a fine person, a beautiful girl, as Denise is; to feel love for her, appreciation of her, and for all that she was and is - it's not possible to be around Denise and not love and appreciate her... and yet... and yet... at the same time, on another level, I realized that I could not make myself fall in love with Denise, not in any deep and meaningful sense. Despite every aphrodisiac, every substantial inducement, every perfect condition, to the encouragement of romantic love, mysteriously, I felt no "truly, madly, deeply" soul-connection with this incredible girl.

She was, by any objective standard, a genuinely wonderful girl - perfect, the Perfect Resume... but, apparently... not perfect for me.

Was I expecting something... or someone... else?

The Perfect Resume:

debits-&-credits  vs.  I just want you! 

Thirty-six years later I would discuss this entire issue with Norma. She agreed with my assessment that most people see the quest for a romantic partner in terms of "the perfect resume"; an accounting function, a tallying of the debits and credits of various attributes, arriving at the net balance... and choosing that one... the one with the richest inventory, the greatest net worth of talents, beauty, status, and means.

But, it's all wrong. Little wonder, as Della told us (P.S. #9), few find true romantic love in this world of illusion; because, when the initial narcotic wears off, when the chemicals in the brain spend themselves, that heady thrill of winning the voluptuous trophy-lover will inevitably end in emptiness and unfulfillment... Were you expecting something... or someone... else?

And I said to Norma, seeking her confirming insight, that true romantic love, between those tightly soul-connected, fundamentally, cannot be worked out like a math or an accounting problem; essentially, such wonder is  not about debits and credits... but about I just want you... Norma emphatically agreed.

• To borrow, and modify, a phrase from the apostle Paul, it is the love that passes understanding!

I just want you means "I cannot adequately and rationally explain why I want you, as opposed to an attractive other... and I don't care what the resume or the net-balance is... but my soul knows something that my head hasn't caught up with yet... and, Darling, please believe me, I just want you!"

Art Garfunkel, All I Know "...all my plans depend on you,I love you, and that's all I know."

Equal Resumes:

Why one and not another?

Yes, this is a most interesting question: Why one and not another?

Two apparently equal resumes... two fine and attractive persons... why one and not another?

How would one make a decision between two "equal resumes"? Why not choose the first "perfect resume," why wait ... why not just choose Denise?

(August, 1973) Denise, working in her mother's garden. My camera was not working well; even so, Denise's beauty comes through...

Norma spoke of soulmates on the other side. Oftentimes, over there, she said, one will be more mature than the other, with the more advanced one qualified to live in a more wonderful world; but, in those cases, she will just have to wait for her less-mature lover to get his act together, before the two of them can move on together into higher realms... she has no choice... she does not want to have a choice... she loves him too much, the energy between them cannot be set aside; she feels irresistibly drawn to him, she cannot leave him... and it's just tuff cookies that his resume is a bit on the lean side at the moment.

Feliciano, In My Life In my life, I love you more...

Norma also agreed, while fine attributes are wonderful, and always in demand, that these will all come in time, a normal function of soul development... but what will not come in time is this sense of truly-madly-deeply connection with another... this sense of Soulmate, Myself... if that is not there, right at the start - at least, when egoic blindness lifts - it will never be there; it cannot be created, not in a million years of hoping and wishing and trying to be in love; and if it is there, it cannot be destroyed... yes, again, spiritual blindness, egocentrism, can hinder and cloak it, can set it back for awhile, but it will always be there, waiting to arrive and manifest.

A true soul-connection will not be denied. It will have its way. It has no sense of humor regarding such things. And once its eyes are opened to the identity of that Special One, no power in the Universe will stop it from, eventually, finding and being with... her.

During times of that temporary blindness, ones deeply bonded might engage in all manner of denial... each might rant and pout, sing and dance, repress and bluster, swear and shout, that one is not in love with a Certain One... but one's soul pays no attention to such false bravado and propaganda, and it will have its way - absolutely!

We must never forget the words of mystic Khalil Gibran:

• "It is wrong to think that love comes from long companionship and persevering courtship. Love is the offspring of spiritual affinity and unless that affinity is created in a moment, it will not be created for years or even generations."
  

The JelloGirl

I will tell you one more story. I've already told you too much about myself, but I guess that's why you pay me the big bucks. I don't want to leave this subject by giving the false impression that a kiss from a non-soulmate will always feel empty. In most cases, it will likely be otherwise. I think the examples that I've given are noteworthy because they are the exceptions.

Most times, I think we know, raw sexual attraction is intensely effective at bringing people together... and it can seem very real... for a short period of time.

One throw-away incident comes to mind:

I remember this one girl. The first time I saw her, I literally almost fell over, so attractive was she to me; my knees, as per the proverb, did turn to jello, and I could hardly stand! What's more, the next time I saw her, there was this tone in her voice as she addressed me, this tone of longing.

Well, by that time, I had learned something about how life works... I did not see myself in her eyes, there was no aura of SoulMate Myself... she provided no mystical sense of "coming home," that exquisite familiarity...  I heard her tone of longing, but not her soul's longing...  and, in the midst of all of the knee-buckling and the suggestive tone, I perceived that, between us, there was no substantial nexus...

My point here is that, if things had been allowed to progress, I assure you, there would have been no "kiss of death" - at least, not for a day or two - it would have seemed incredibly real and thrilling, with plenty of fireworks... but, like those glorious fireworks, also very short-lived ... with more heat than light [smile]. 

Dr. Kiss-of-Death, assuredly, in such cases, always comes knocking soon. Her utterly plenary and drop-dead erotic self is no defense against his advent; indeed, only encourages it, the more. His approach threatens, hardly ever late, the heavy hand looms, we hear the undeterred footsteps, even now...

Hapless masses cry, how can this be? with beauty such as the JelloGirl's, romance should live a thousand years! Millions begin love affairs with such premise, but, in the history of the world, we cannot point to even one example of romantic success built upon JelloGirl-attributes alone!

Just now I recall a long-ago interview with Frank Sinatra. He candidly admitted that, in his early 50's, while wooing Mia Farrow, he told himself, "I know this probably won't last, but if it could last only for two years, if I could be happy even for just two years, I would settle for that!" Frank mused that he had asked for too much. Within a short time, the thrill of fly-me-to-the-moon, chemically-based romance... was gone; within months, they were apart!

• Gen. Douglas MacArthur, Reminiscences: the JelloGirl in history... recounting a memo written during the Civil War by his father's commanding officer to President Lincoln: "To the President of the United States: I have just been offered two hundred and fifty thousand dollars and the most beautiful woman I have ever seen to betray my trust. I am depositing the money with the Treasury of the United States and request immediate relief of this command. They are getting close to my price."

Denise: the aftermath

When I left Denise's farm after that week, essentially, I knew that I would not see her again. And, after a short time back at college, I began to think of her not very much.

Even that seemed strange to me. And I asked my young self, how can one not be substantially attracted to the "perfect girl"? At one point I was quite bothered by this; again, I thought, what's wrong with me? And I decided that I would think about this situation in a concentrated way, to see what was real.

I wrote a story. No one has ever seen it. It is a fictional account, an alternate version, of what might have happened between Denise and me. It includes frank, and sometimes erotic, dialogue between us as we, together, explore the mystery of love - and she asks the question of me, "How do you know that I am not your soulmate? How can you be sure?" In my fictional writing, my ponderings of this subject, I am not sure; and because of her provocations, I agree to be with her. I convince myself that she is special to me after all.

I'll tell you how this writing affected me. It was like watching a heart-rending movie, and it all seemed very real to me. For a short time, a couple of days, I made myself believe - like a false conversion whipped up by the emotional rantings of a tent-evangelist - that I was in love with her after all. And, this self-medicated delusion seemed quite real ... for those two days... but after two days, the balloon popped, and all of the feeling rushed out of the fantasy.

As Lincoln might have said... some fool, with an oversized smile (P.S. #37), might have gotten married while under that influence.

There was nothing substantive to sustain it! What's more, after the catharsis, I felt less attracted, less inclined, to ever consider it again... because I had plumbed the depths of it... and had found it wanting.

Soulmate, Myself

And I finally came to the point in life where I could see some things that were real.

I thought about Denise; and I thought about the earlier incident with the kiss-of-death girl, the sense of hollowness and emptiness that accompanied a kiss from even someone excessively beautiful.

• I thought about all these things. And I realized that in these encounters, even with the prettiest of girls; even with the finest of girls, such as Denise - while I may have experienced attraction on some level; and while I could appreciate the many exceptional qualities... never, ever, at any time, did I think of Denise, or those others, as Soulmate, Myself... never, ever did I think of them in terms of "looking into a mirror and seeing myself"; of finally "coming home"; never, ever did I think in terms of "I just want you, and I don't care about anything else, I can't live without you"... there was never anything like that in my heart... and, without that, it's all a non-starter, and not even the most perfect resume will mean my Uncle Bud's tinker's damn.

I asked the question regarding "equal resumes," two beautiful girls (didn't I write a "Parable" about that?) ... how should you decide? The answer is... you don't decide... you let your soul tell you who is real and who is not!

The typical searcher-for-eros is running around thinking about debits-and-credits! but, essentially, as Norma said, the real action, the true romantic love, has nothing to do with bookkeeping... it's all about Soulmate, Myself ... you must rely on your own inner, deeper, guidance-system to help you. We will speak more of this at another time.

Portal-of-Entry: The Orchid

True romantic love, of the enduring kind, is not about physical attraction alone but has much to do with that transcendent sense of familiarity, about finding yourself in the form of that Special Other; about a mystical feeling that, finally, you have "come home," that True Home; it's about looking into her eyes and seeing yourself; about hearing in her voice, that cooing delight, and feeling a total acceptance of your Being; it's about that interplay of mutually-attuned, harmonic, soul energies, creating a sense of One Person; it's about entering The Mystery... with her!

At times - not all the time, but at times - merely being in her presence, experiencing the waves of energy issuing from her soul, cascading and washing over you... yes, simply being in her presence, even without touching, even without saying much - it might even be via a phone call with her far away - the sense of familiarity can be so intense, so intensely erotic, far more erotic, than any  conventional physical intimacy... it's Soulmate, Myself...

Mere words cannot convey the mystery of this phenomenon.

I speak here of the most rare, the rarest of orchids, the greatest experience that this life has to offer... and not even The JelloGirl can compete...

The Dazzling Darkness

This rare-orchid experience requires further explanation. There is a tame and reduced-volume version - much different in degree, but not in kind - of these fervent soul-energies. The instrinsic nature of such is one of joyous affirmation of another's being. This intense approval, in its toned-down expressions, might be received from a very good friend or father-figure, such as Felix (P.S. #20); or from dear doting grandmothers (P.S. #16, 18); but these are mere pale shadows of a Greater Reality, which is to be experienced with her... only with her... and when that happens, this "joyous affirmation of your Being" will enter nuclear reaction; will threaten the elemental identity of your Person; will initiate, for you, Final Phase Transformation... and you, along with her, together, will become "something never seen before" (P.S. #37)!

This will not happen in secret... you will know...

And, if you were to leave this life, you would view this one event, the receiving of these soul-energies from her, as the Only Experience of your time here, with everything else as mere commentary... you've entered The Mystery with her... that rarest-orchid of love's expression... that portal-of-entry to The Ineffable. The JelloGirl can't compete with that.

After receiving this gift from her, like those recovering from a near-death experience, you will never be the same again... in one minute, just one minute, with that Special One, one with whom you share a soul-energy link, one minute with her... LSD-like, she will fly you not just to the moon but beyond the solar system... light-years away, into the vast Dazzling Darkness of Interstellar Space of your own Uncharted Inner Being ... a metaphysical feat that no mere perfect resume, not even the extreme sex appeal of the The JelloGirl, without more, could accomplish in an entire week, or a lifetime, of romantic interaction...

Again, what is the core essence of this galaxy-class starship teleportation offered by her?

It's that mystical sense of Utter Familiarity... a sense of one's True Home... of meeting oneself in another form...

This Ontological Paradox - a feeling of being so close to another that one's very identity threatens to merge with her's - may be the most intoxicating experience in all the Universe! mere sex appeal, mere bodies-in-contact, without more, cannot compete!  

We speak here of entering, with her, the sacred status of One Person... it is SoulMate, Myself.

• Charles Williams: "Love you? I am you."

And when you experience that, you will no longer tally the debits and credits; you will not closely study her resume, nor any others. And you will find yourself driven to say, Oh! Darling, please believe me, I just want you. At that point - which, according to AfterLife Entities, whether in this life or the next, happens for each person only once - as Norma suggested to me, the time for choosing will be so over. It's no longer a "choice" but now a soul demand and compulsion. And you will take whatever the net balance is; whatever the inventory of attributes is; whatever the resume is, that's what you'll take! and you will move forward, with her, from that point! and that's just the way it works.

Elvis Presley, After Loving You "But now after loving you, what else is there to do... I know I'll go through life comparing her to you, that's 'cause I'm no good, I'm no good to anyone after loving you, your precious love cannot be erased by just another woman with a pretty face... I said I'm no good, I'm no good, to anyone after loving you..."

And whatever she is, whatever she brings to you, in terms of attributes, talent, and beauty, will become the gold-standard and the touchstone for you; and those features, whatever they are - you will find yourself believing - will be exactly what you want, exactly what you were looking for, exactly what you had always dreamed of... well, what a coincidence!

Elvis Presley, She's Not You "Her hair is soft and her eyes are oh so blue, She's all the things a girl should be, but she's not you. She knows just how to make me laugh when I feel blue, She's ev'rything a man could want, but she's not you. And when we're dancing, It almost feels the same, I've got to stop myself from whisp'ring your name..."

Editor's note : "she's not you"... how poignant... it's very close to what I want to say about all of this... "she's not you" ... I like it...

Wild, and beguiled... about her!

And, if you only recently met her, despite your short calendar-history, she will seem to you as one you've known all of your life - closer to you now than your nearest relative; nearer than your next heartbeat; as near as your own Self.

Conversely, if you've been around her for a long time, maybe, like Agnes and David (P.S. #37), grew up with her, but without recognition of her secret identity, she will suddenly seem strangely familiar to you, in a totally new way... in a sacred and mystical way... you will not have met this "new girl" before...

This "new girl" ... your childhood friend, with whom, all along, you've shared a soul energy-link! but now blazing forth. This "new girl," that pesky girl you once played with, but now in whose eyes you suddenly see yourself!

This "new girl" ... her cooing melodic voice, a voice you've never heard before - the most beautiful voice, the most beautiful sound, you are sure, in the whole world...

This "new girl ... where did she suddenly come from...  she, that impertinent little nuisance-in-peddlepushers who grew up to be the most beautiful girl in the world;  the one, The One, who now bewitches you, body and soul...

• Jay & The Americans, This Magic Moment: "and then it happened, it took me by surprise, I knew that you felt it too, by the look in your eyes"

In many different ways, she might reveal her love for him. But love's expression, as manifested in her tone of voice, might be most telling, that truest autonomic indicator of her settled state of mind and heart. Yes, that Cooing Melody, that tone of voice, a kind of involuntary Song of the Soul, that emanating Music of her Deepest Self, sings of her desire to please him... it is that Profligate Joy just to be with him... that desire to rejoice in his presence. He feels this rejoicing from her, in her. He is overwhelmed by it! She cannot hide it, cloak it, as she becomes a different person when he is near. No one has ever witnessed that part of her, only he... something never seen before (P.S. #37)... that special voice and tone that issues forth, but only in proximity to him.

• Petula Clark, Happy Heart: "there's a certain sound, always follows me around, when you're close to me, you will hear it, it's the sound that lovers finally will discover when there is no other for their love, it's my happy heart you hear, singing loud and singing clear, and it's all because you're near, music fills my soul now , I've lost all control now, I'm not Half, I'm Whole now, can't you hear my happy heart !"

Feel it now, rising, as it seeks to extend itself, to meet him, for whom that erotic tone was intended... that Cooing Melodic Tone, the one with his name on it - he recognizes it as his own, as meant only for him. And once he's been immersed in that, you may rest assured, he knows... even if he were to leave this life, forget everything that happened in this world, he will remember one thing...he knows... he now knows who you are to him... as there is only one place, one person, one source, of that kind of music... he knows who you are now... you, that "new girl," now finally revealed as his Only One, that Cosmic Half to his own Being (P.S. #37).

All this is The Dazzling Darkness!

How I think of Denise today, 36 years later

I sometimes wonder how she's doing. She's probably a grandmother now. She occasionally passes through my mind, and it would be nice to see her again... but... I do not unduly miss her... I do not crave her presence... I do not mourn her absence... it was never that way. Despite the wonder of her many fine attributes, legion in number, my soul never recognized her... it never sang in her presence.

• There is never a need for jealousy among True Lovers. There is no competition; nor can there be. Do not trouble yourself thinking, "Maybe I might lose him someday to The JelloGirl!"

Allow me to encourage you with this:

While The JelloGirl is utterly erotic, she cannot compete with you... if he has tasted the wild-honey of the Wonder of your Soul Essence; if you have shown him The Dazzling Darkness; if you are the Other Half of his Being... the JelloGirl cannot compete with that.

Yes, it's true, her naked and erotic body might stop a moose; but he has seen the Ultimate Beauty Bare, has stood transfixed, petrified, immobilized, by the Nakedness of your Inner Person... no one in the Universe, but he, has seen the Naked Beauty, Glory, and Wonder of your True Being, which cries to him, ever cries to him, "you are just like me, you are just like me"... no one shall ever see your own Beautiful Inner Nakedness, but he, that One who is part of your very Life... the JelloGirl cannot hope to compete with that.

He can love no one but you; as you can love no one but him... not in any meaningful sense; That's just the way it is... a function of natural law... just as protons and neutrons must come together, and remain together, so you two, eventually and inexorably, must come together, and remain together.

And if you are apart from him right now, waiting to be with him, you can know that, for him, a kiss from another will feel as death itself - a necessary lesson of instruction during that time of absence from you; and, in the midst of that "kiss of death" - you must understand this - he will yearn and mourn for you!

Rod Stewart, You're In My Heart ... her ad lib lines were well rehearsed... but my heart cried out for you...

The Notebook

"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough... Will you do something for me, please? Just picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now? What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted. But don't you take the easy way out."

• Editor's note: "Don't you take the easy way out!" Though destined and inevitable, Twin Soul love will not arrive in its glory without paying that required pound of flesh. Two pounds, actually, one from each of you. None of this will be easy... as the butterfly emerges from the cocoon, it will not easy... indeed, the difficulty, itself, as purging fire, to which Noah alludes, prepares these Two to come together in a permanent way. The Notebook, possibly, the greatest romantic movie ever made, will take you for a ride you won't soon forget, an emotional whirlwind that will bounce you about but good. Deeply moving, from start to finish, it never gives up, never winds down, never runs out. One memorable scene, in reference to the Rod Stewart lyric just above, features Noah having made love to Martha. But Noah is the picture of death warmed over. He stares, glassy-eyed, zombie-like, hardly knows she is next to him. He is very far away... far away with someone else... far away with Allie... he is always with Allie; and, even in the midst of physical passion with Martha, "my heart cried out for you." If I were to define the entire movie in one word, it would be individuation. Allie defers to all manner of external authority, until she is awakened by Noah's forceful demand, "what do you want!" Around Noah, Allie's True Person begins to come alive; she feels the quickening strength of her own Soul - it is her trip to The Dazzling Darkness that will not be set aside... not ever. And it is this reason, her becoming a New Person in his presence, that makes her love him so! Recently, I came across a new term that afterlife researchers use to describe the too-earthlike, fear-based, regions of the lower realms. They call it "the hollow heaven." This is what Lon represented to Allie. By any objective standard, he was perfect, and she did love him, but was not in love with him - he, a very good person, was the perfect resume... but not perfect for her... she, despite her affection for him, did not see herself, find herself, in his eyes... he, to her, could never be more than the hollow heaven ... and "at the very moment she said yes [to Lon's proposal], Noah's face came to mind" - another example of "my heart cried out for you." Allie began to realize the depths of her joyless existence as she exclaimed, "I don't paint anymore"; or, as it is said, the caged bird no longer sings. I like the scene featuring Martha coming to the door. Noah thinks it best that she does not come in, but Allie arrives and insists that she join them for tea. All of this speaks of "Twins as Troubadours" (P.S. #37), reaching out to others in their non-exclusive love. Martha, offered an experience of selflessness in all this, is granted a vision of what True Love is really like, and leaves them with her own heart filled with joy and peace! Noah says this about The Mystery of Romantic Love: "The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, brings peace to the mind, plants a fire in the heart, allows us to learn from each other, and grow in love ." Yes, amen, and amen.

No Fear

He was made to love  you... only you.  Never worry that you will lose him, that Special Person. That is not possible...

• you cannot lose yourself.

• Silver Birch: "Those who love one another will not be separated from one another once they have passed through the incident that is called death. Love is the law; love is the attraction. Love unifies those whom the natural law has brought together, enabling the Two Halves to become One. There is no need to fear that there will be any parting between individuals who have found one another in perfect love."
  

It is significant that Silver Birch offers the comfort, "no need to fear." He does so because true lovers fear only one thing. They no longer fear death; no, not at all; in fact, often would welcome it, in their grief for that Absent One. Primal fear has been transferred to something else... they fear not seeing each other again, are terrorized by that prospect. Silver Birch, understanding all this, offers solace: "There is no need to fear" ... you "will not be separated" ... there will no longer be "any parting"!

Unspoken Pledges of The Soul

Certain illusions in life might temporarily convince us - in our times of darkness and despair - that we might lose a True Partner; that we might fail to find her, fail to be with her. Circumstances, in this troubled life, at times, can seem complicated... never forget, they are one missed heartbeat away from the slashing of that Gordian Knot.

The truth is... everything is ok; everything is in process and on track. You will come to know the veracity of these words. And not even the most wonderful resume; not even extreme knee-buckling jello-beauty; not even a wonderful person like Denise, once eyes have opened, will derail that cosmic process of Mutually-Destined Souls who cannot but find each other.

As Silver Birch instructs, the soul has its "unspoken pledges"; and those pledges will veto and overrule anything that "some fool" might have once assented to... assuredly, it will have its way... your soul has no sense of humor about being thwarted. It shall not be thwarted,  not at all, as it has sufficient firepower to make it so. 

And it will seek for, and find, whatever the cost, its Missing Half. The Soul's intensity of purpose is fierce, unremitting, uncompromising, and it will not rest until it is resting... with her!

This is the essence of  Soulmate, Myself.

• Silver Birch: "There is the love, the undeniable love, between man and woman who are complementary to one another; that is, they are two in form, but one in purpose - they harmonize. They are indeed two hearts that beat as one. Now, where that love has found itself, there is never any separation. Those whom the natural law has joined by love can never be sundered in your world or in mine... Some of you will discover that you are affinities. Although you are two people, you are Two Halves of One Individuality... the two halves instinctively, because they are two halves, must recognize one another... that does not happen in your world always because your vision, regarding things of the spirit, is often blind... [but] the real love, that only comes once to each man or woman, whether on earth or in the world of spirit ... is so magnetic, is so overwhelming in its attraction... [rendering obsolete, nullifying, the earlier promises] uttered audibly by word of mouth [which become] as nothing compared with the unspoken pledges of the soul."

Bonnie Raitt, You   There was never any other... there was never any question... it was always You... always You...

... to be continued

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