|
Home | What's New | Other Sites | Email | About CharisCorp
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
Word Gems
Personal Statement #26 Love In The AfterLife
return to Personal Statements home page
June 24, 2009
(November, 2008) my hair is so gray... well, at least I still have hair
Hayfield Strategies I remember one sultry-hot July evening. 1968, I think. I am 17. It is a Saturday night, just about 9 PM, the sun is retiring, and I am miffed, more than miffed, at Dad because we are still working in the hayfield! %!$#*@&... grumble
(June, 1952) Dad and I would work together for many years.
Now it will be 10:30 before I can get home, get cleaned up, and make it into town to check out the action... %!$#*@&... grumble A friend has furtively provided to me sensitive information that a certain girl is interested in me, and I want to find her.
I never did find her, or talk to her. Nice girl, but, anyway, it would have been a mistake. But, upon arriving in town, I was met by one of my buddies. He has a plan that can't miss and wants me to help pull it off. There's this girl from another town that he's interested in - and he wants to "drive around" with her. My strategic positioning in all of this, as he sees it, is to keep her girlfriend occupied. I am to be with her in the backseat... doesn't matter what I do, he says, just keep her busy.
I hate this plan right from the start. Anyway, so there I am in the backseat with this girl. Actually, she's a really nice girl, a very pretty girl, and a smart girl, a good student. She would remind me of Karen. (see The Deceptiveness of Romantic Love )
Backseat Driven Even so, I clearly recall that I did not like being there. For one thing, I didn't like somebody else pairing me up with anyone, I'll do that on my own. But, the worst thing, she immediately, it seems to me, begins "playing a role." I have never seen this girl before, but, without customary pause for polite introductions, she comes close, presses against me, as if I'm supposed to do something now. And I perceive that this girl, with a high social IQ, but only in a conventional sense, is acting according to "what is expected" in such situations; she seems to think she knows what she's doing. But it all seemed so unnatural to me, so contrived. Funny thing; maybe I might have been interested in considering her, but this "reading from a script," this academy-award-winning affection, took all of the joy and mystery out of the process. I did not kiss her or touch her. I just wanted to leave.
Dispensation from the priest It's not that I was averse to kissing... it wasn't against my religion... well, actually, I guess it was. I remember speaking with my friend Grover Diemert (P.S #11), essentially, asking his permission that I might have certain physical contact with certain attractive others. He flatly denied my request for dispensation! This is hilarious to me now. I suppose he slowed me down for awhile, which was probably good... I guess [smile].
I remember one incident with an unusually pretty girl... so instructive to me! no, really, I mean that! I had just graduated from high school, would soon be attending NDSU. I won't say that I was enchanted by her, it wasn't that way, I didn't swoon for her; but she was excessively beautiful. And I will say, even 40 years later, having seen something of the world, I would still have to include this girl as one of the most beautiful women. I didn't ask her out, this was never a plan. But we happened to be at a function, and we left at the same time. I walked her home, and we were together for awhile that very-late summer evening. She wanted to kiss me, and, dispensation or not [smile], I wanted to kiss her; or, so I thought.
What ensued would be one of the great lessons of romantic love in my life. Despite her great beauty, I felt no substantial heart-connection with this girl. I never had. And, after being with her, at close range, strangely, I sensed the distance between us growing exponentially! How very strange to me! And when I kissed her - I can still remember this event of 40 years ago, but not in the way that you might think - I distinctly remember an emptiness within myself! How lifeless that kiss seemed to me! How dead! Well, I suppose there are worse ways to die; yes, the inducement to suicide is suddenly quite strong; nevertheless, I remember being shocked by all this. Was I shocked because I, within my Deepest Self, was expecting something... or someone... else?
And I'm thinking... this is not the way it happens in the movies! There were no fireworks! no starbursts! no magic! no joy! no chemistry! just a great inner void, a ghostly lifeless silence! How amazing to me! How could this happen? she, ostensibly, one of the prettiest girls in the world! no, this is not the way it happens in the movies. I thought about this for some time. Was there something wrong with me? But it also occurred to me that many people, "some fool," would get married under the cloud of such delusion -not a good thing, even with one of the prettiest girls in the world.
Don't save the cheerleader... save your world You'll remember this reference to the tv Heroes; anyway, I went through a phase at NDSU - it didn't last long, you need not envy it - during which I tested myself to see if the most attractive girls would go out with me. So, I asked out one of the high-profile NDSU football cheerleaders - a very nice girl, a petite blonde. She immediately agreed. That was too easy!
(1969) Here I am in the dorm, goofing around with some of my buddies at NDSU
I won't say much about what happened, because not much happened. It was a replay of some of the awkward "backseat" event, and also what I sensed with the kiss-of-death girl. When I was alone with her, I just had this feeling that it was all wrong. I clearly knew that I had no heart-connection with this very pretty blonde girl, and, therefore, should not have been alone with her; again, I found, I witnessed within myself, the strange perception, this overriding sense of emptiness and separateness and disconnection! Was I expecting something... or someone... else? I just needed to politely excuse myself. I did so, and manufactured cause to end the interview.
Two years later, I would find myself living in Europe, which, by the way, was a great experience; although, I would have traded it for an amicable one in my home community. Nevertheless, the Universe would arrange for me to have one of the richest and most wonderful experiences of my life... with Denise; well, actually, I suppose that's not true, not true at all. I think what part of me is saying is that it should have been so. How could it not have been so, given all that Denise was; but, I'm getting ahead of my story.
(August, 1973) Denise Trocherie, one of the sweetest girls in the world
I met Denise through my good friend, Bernard, a Parisian, a fellow student at college in England.
(August, 1973) Bernard (far right), a great guy, and I (taking the photo) in Paris.
I spent a week with Denise at her parents' farm, about an hour south of Paris. Denise truly was the "perfect resume," the "perfect girl"; a genuinely good person; sweet, a special kind of intoxicating sweetness resident in the French female, a frequently-occurring trait of those whose culture deifies romantic love; very attractive features; petite, well-formed body, fine hands; artistic and sensitive, a lover of the arts; humble, a solicitous spirit; gracious, soft voice; but not servile-docile: spunky, sass-and-ass, as required; smart, sophisticated, sharp; work ethic... she could milk cows, by hand! She could do everything around the farm; and the whole family was wonderful; the parents, warm and inviting; the other kids, open-spirited and friendly.
I liked everything about this encounter; everything was so positive, such a remarkable experience.
(August, 1973) Denise's brothers, playing soccer in the farmyard. The house and barn, ancient and made of stone, are connected, form one extended unit.
Not a choice, not really... And we spoke French and English to each other; spent an entire week, all day, each day, till late night, together; walked and talked, together, laughed together, on the dirt roads, under the dark star-bursting night-sky canopy together. Her parents were very positive toward me, grew fond of me. I liked them very much. I know they wished to keep me.
And I learned, with a depth of insight equal to few lessons in life, that, on one level, it's possible to be quite attracted to a fine person, a beautiful girl, as Denise is; to feel love for her, appreciation of her, and for all that she was and is - it's not possible to be around Denise and not love and appreciate her... and yet... and yet... at the same time, on another level, I realized that I could not make myself fall in love with Denise, not in any deep and meaningful sense. Despite every aphrodisiac, every substantial inducement, every perfect condition, to the encouragement of romantic love, mysteriously, I felt no "truly, madly, deeply" soul-connection with this incredible girl. She was, by any objective standard, a genuinely wonderful girl - perfect, the Perfect Resume; but, apparently... not perfect for me. Was I expecting something... or someone... else?
Thirty-six years later I would discuss this entire issue with Norma (P.S. #25 ). She agreed with my assessment that most people see the quest for a romantic partner in terms of "the perfect resume"; an accounting function, a tallying of the debits and credits of various attributes, arriving at the net balance, and choosing that one, the one with the richest inventory, the greatest net worth of talents, beauty, status, and means. But, it's all wrong. Little wonder, as Della told us (P.S. #9 ), few find true romantic love in this world of illusion; because, when the initial narcotic wears off, when the chemicals in the brain spend themselves, that heady thrill of winning the voluptuous trophy-lover will inevitably end in emptiness and unfulfillment. Were you expecting something... or someone... else? And I said to Norma, seeking her confirming insight, that true romantic love, between those tightly soul-connected, fundamentally, cannot be worked out like a math problem; essentially, such wonder is not about debits and credits, but about I just want you. Norma emphatically agreed. I just want you means "I cannot adequately and rationally explain why I want you, as opposed to an attractive other, and I don't care what the resume or the net-balance is, but my soul knows something that my head hasn't caught up with yet; and, Darling, please believe me, I just want you!"
This is a most interesting question, is it not? Why one and not another? Two apparently equal resumes, two fine and attractive persons... yes, why one and not another? How would one make a decision between two "equal resumes"? Why not choose the first "perfect resume"? why wait? why not just choose Denise?
Norma spoke of soulmates on the other side. Oftentimes, over there, she said, one will be more mature than the other, with the more advanced one qualified to live in a more wonderful world; but, in those cases, she will just have to wait for her less-mature lover to get his act together, before the two of them can move on together into higher realms. She has no choice; she does not want to have a choice. She loves him too much, the energy between them cannot be set aside; she feels irresistibly drawn to him, she cannot leave him; and it's just tuff cookies that his resume is a bit on the lean side at the moment.
Norma also agreed, while fine attributes are wonderful, and always in demand, that these will all come in time, a normal function of soul development; but what will not come in time is this sense of truly-madly-deeply connection with another. This sense of Soulmate, Myself - if that is not there, right at the start, at least, when egoic blindness lifts, it will never be there. It cannot be created, not in a million years of trying to be in love. And if it is there, it cannot be destroyed; yes, again, spiritual blindness, egocentrism, can hinder it, can set it back for awhile, but it will always be there, waiting to arrive and manifest... and that someone, the one whom your soul is ever searching for, will finally come into view! A true soul-connection will not be denied. It will have its way. And once its eyes are opened to the identity of that Special One, no power in the Universe will stop it from moving toward being with her. During times of that temporary blindness, Destined Ones might engage in all manner of denial; each might rant and pout, sing and dance, repress and bluster, swear and shout, that one is not in love with a Certain One; but one's soul pays no attention to such false bravado and propaganda, and it will have its way - absolutely! We must never forget the words of mystic Khalil Gibran:
The JelloGirl I will tell you one more story. I've already told you too much about myself, but I guess that's why you pay me the big bucks. I don't want to leave this subject by giving the false impression that a kiss from a non-soulmate will always feel empty. In most cases, it will likely be otherwise. I think the examples that I've given, ones mixed with a measure of initial awareness, are noteworthy because they are the exceptions. Most times, I think we know, raw sexual attraction is intensely effective at bringing people together; and it can seem very real... for a short period of time. One throw-away incident comes to mind: I remember this one girl. The first time I saw her, I literally almost fell over, so attractive was she to me; my knees, as per the proverb, did turn to jello, and I could hardly stand! What's more, the next time I saw her, there was this tone in her voice as she addressed me, this tone of longing. Well, by that time, I had learned something about how life works... I did not see myself in her eyes, there was no aura of SoulMate Myself; she provided no mystical sense of "coming home," that exquisite familiarity. I heard her tone of longing, but not her soul's longing; and, in the midst of all of the knee-buckling and the suggestive tone, I perceived that, between us, there was no substantial nexus.
My point here is that, if things had been allowed to progress, I assure you, there would have been no "kiss of death" - at least, not for a day or two - it would have seemed incredibly real and thrilling, with plenty of fireworks... but, like those glorious starbursts, also very short-lived ... with more heat than light [smile]. Dr. Kiss-of-Death, assuredly, in such cases, always comes knocking very soon. The JelloGirl's utterly plenary and drop-dead erotic self is no defense against his advent; indeed, only encourages it the more. His approach threatens, hardly ever late, the heavy hand looms, we hear the undeterred footsteps, even now. Hapless masses cry, how can this be? with great beauty such as the JelloGirl's, romance should live a thousand years! Millions begin love affairs with such faulty premise, but, in the history of the world, we cannot point to even one example of long-term romantic success built upon JelloGirl-attributes alone! Just now I recall a long-ago interview with Frank Sinatra. He candidly admitted that, in his early 50's, while wooing Mia Farrow, he told himself, "I know this probably won't last, but if it could last only for two years, if I could be happy even for just two years, I would settle for that!" Frank mused that he had asked for too much. Within a short time, the thrill of fly-me-to-the-moon, chemically-based romance... was gone; within mere months, they were apart!
Denise: the aftermath When I left Denise's farm after that week, essentially, I knew that I would not see her again. And, after a short time back at college, I began to think of her not very much. Even that seemed strange to me. And I asked my young self, how can one not be substantially attracted to the "perfect girl"? At one point I was quite bothered by this; again, I thought, what's wrong with me? And, later, I decided that I would think about this situation in a concentrated way, to see what was real. I wrote a story. No one has ever seen it. It is a fictional account, an alternate version, of what might have happened between Denise and me. It includes frank, and sometimes erotic, dialogue between us as we, together, explore the mystery of love - and she asks the question of me, "How do you know that I am not your soulmate? How can you be sure?" In my fictional writing, my ponderings of this subject, I am not sure; and because of her provocations, I agree to be with her. I convince myself that she is special to me after all. I'll tell you how this writing affected me. It was like watching a heart-rending movie, and it all seemed very real to me. For a short time, a couple of days, I made myself believe - like a false conversion whipped up by the emotional rantings of a tent-evangelist - that I was in love with her after all. And, this self-medicated delusion seemed quite real ... for those two days. But after two days, the balloon popped, and all of the feeling rushed out of the fantasy. As Lincoln might have said, some fool, with an oversized smile (P.S. #37), might have gotten married while under that influence... yes, "some fool"! there's a lot of that going around. There was nothing substantive, no soul connection, to sustain the attraction! What's more, after the catharsis, I felt less attracted, less inclined, to ever consider it again... because I had plumbed the depths of it... and had found it wanting... heaven help those who find themselves in receipt of this revelation, but now married! the oversized smiles of the wedding day, quite gone!
Soulmate, Myself And I finally came to the point in life where I could see some things that were real. I thought about Denise; and I thought about the earlier incident with the kiss-of-death girl, the sense of hollowness and emptiness that accompanied a kiss from even someone excessively beautiful.
I asked the question regarding "equal resumes," two beautiful girls (see my "Parable"), how should you decide? The answer is, you don't decide; you must allow your soul tell you who is real and who is not!
The typical searcher-for-eros is running around thinking about debits-and-credits! but, essentially, as Norma said, the real action, the true romantic love, has nothing to do with bookkeeping. It's all about Soulmate, Myself. It's about "you are just like me," you are my equal, that better version of myself! You must rely on your own inner, deeper, guidance-system to help you. We will speak more of this at another time.
Portal-of-Entry: The Orchid True romantic love, the enduring kind, is not about physical attraction alone but has much to do with that transcendent sense of familiarity; about finding yourself in the form of that Special Other; about a mystical feeling that, finally, you have "come home," that True Home; it's about looking into her eyes and seeing yourself; about hearing, in her voice, that cooing delight, and feeling a total acceptance of your Being; it's about that interplay of mutually-attuned harmonic soul-energies, creating a sense of One Person; it's about entering The Mystery with her! At times, merely being in her presence, experiencing the waves of energy issuing from her soul, even without touching, even without saying much, the sense of familiarity can be so intense, and far more erotic, than any conventional physical intimacy... yes, it's Soulmate, Myself. Mere words cannot convey the mystery of this phenomenon. I speak here of the most rare, the rarest of orchids, the greatest experience that this life has to offer... and not even The JelloGirlcan compete; she's not even on the same planet.
The Dazzling Darkness This rare-orchid experience requires further explanation. There is a tame and reduced-volume version - much different in degree, but not in kind - of these fervent soul-energies. The instrinsic nature of such is one of joyous affirmation of another's being. This intense approval, in its toned-down expressions, might be received from a very good friend or father-figure, such as Felix (P.S. #20); or from dear doting grandmothers (P.S. #16, 18); but these are mere pale shadows of a Greater Reality, which is to be experienced with her... only with her... and when that happens, this "joyous affirmation of your Being" will enter nuclear reaction stage; will threaten the elemental identity of your Person; will initiate, for you, Final Phase Transformation; and you, along with her, will become "something never seen before" (P.S. #37)! This will not occur in secret... you will know; during that time, it will seem that you will know little else! And, if you were to leave this life, you would view this one event, the receiving of these soul-energies from her, as the Only Experience of your time here. You've entered The Mystery with her, that rarest-orchid of love's expression, that portal-of-entry to The Ineffable! The JelloGirl can't compete with that.
After receiving this gift from her, like those recovering from a near-death experience, you will never be the same again. In a moment, with that Special One, one with whom you share a soul-energy link, LSD-like, she will fly you not just to the moon but beyond the solar system; light-years away, into the vast Dazzling Darkness of Interstellar Space of your own Uncharted Inner Being - a metaphysical feat that no mere perfect resume, not even the extreme sex appeal of the The JelloGirl, without more, could accomplish in an entire week, or a lifetime, of romantic interaction.
Again, what is the core essence of this galaxy-class starship teleportation offered by her? It's that mystical sense of Utter Familiarity, a sense of one's True Home; of meeting oneself in another form. This Ontological Paradox - a feeling of being so close to another that one's very identity threatens to merge with hers - may be the most intoxicating experience in all the Universe! mere sex appeal, mere bodies-in-contact, cannot compete, not even remotely! We speak here of entering, with her, the sacred status of One Person. It is SoulMate, Myself!
And when you experience that, you will no longer tally the debits and credits; you will not closely study her resume; nor those of any others. And you will find yourself driven to say, Oh! Darling, please believe me, I just want you. At that point - which, according to AfterLife Entities' testimonies, whether in this life or the next, happens for each person only once - as Norma suggested to me, the time for choosing will be so over. It's no longer a "choice" but now a soul demand and compulsion. And you will take whatever the net balance is; whatever the inventory of attributes is; whatever the resume is, that's what you'll take! and you will move forward, with her, from that point! and that's just the way it works.
And whatever she is, whatever she brings to you, in terms of attributes, talent, and beauty, will become the gold-standard and the touchstone for you; and you will tell her, and mean every gasping word, that "you are the most wonderful and beautiful girl in the world; more, you are the only girl in the world!" - for you, this will be true! eternally true! and those features of her, whatever they are, will be exactly what you want, exactly what you were looking for, exactly what you had always dreamed of... she will be, for you, exactly all that you have ever wanted! ... well, what a coincidence!
Editor's note : "She's not you" - how poignant. It's very close to what I want to say about all of this: "she's not you"! I like it.
Wild, and beguiled... about her! And, if you only recently met her, despite your short calendar-history, she will seem to you as one you've known all of your life - closer to you now than your nearest relative; nearer than your next heartbeat; as near as your own Self. Conversely, if you've been around her for a long time, maybe, like Agnes and David (P.S. #37), grew up with her, but without recognition of her secret identity, she will suddenly seem strangely familiar to you, but in a totally new way, in a sacred and mystical way; you will not have met this "new girl" before. This "new girl," your childhood friend, with whom, all along, you've shared a soul energy-link! but now blazing forth. This "new girl," that pesky girl you once played with, but now in whose eyes you suddenly see yourself! This "new girl" - her cooing melodic voice, a music you've never heard before - the most beautiful voice, the most beautiful sound, you are sure, in the whole world! This "new girl - where did she suddenly come from - that impertinent little nuisance-in-peddlepushers who grew up to be the most beautiful girl in the world; the one, The One, who now bewitches you, body and soul.
In many different ways, she might reveal her love. But love's expression, as manifested in her tone of voice, might be most telling, that truest autonomic indicator of her settled state of mind and deepest heart; yes, that Cooing Melody, a kind of involuntary Song of the Soul, that emanating Music of her Deepest Self, sings of her desire to please him. It is that Profligate Joy just to be with him; that desire to rejoice in his presence. He feels this rejoicing from her; is overwhelmed by it! She cannot hide it, cloak it, as she becomes a different person when he is near. No one has ever witnessed that part of her, only he; something never seen before (P.S. #37), that special voice and tone that issue, but only in proximity to him.
Feel it now, rising, as it seeks to extend itself, to meet him, for whom that erotic tone was intended; that Cooing Melodic Tone, the one with his name on it. He recognizes it as his own, as meant only for him. Once he's been immersed in that, he will know who you are, as there is only one source of that kind of music - you, that "new girl," now finally revealed as his Only One, that Cosmic Half to his own Being (P.S. #37). All this is The Dazzling Darkness!
How I think of Denise today, 36 years later I sometimes wonder how she's doing. In a recent email, Bernard told me that she married, a long time ago, I presume. She's probably a grandmother now. Denise occasionally passes through my mind, and it would be nice to see her again; but, I do not unduly miss her, I do not crave her presence, I do not mourn her absence. It was never that way. Despite the wonder of her many fine attributes, legion in number, my soul never recognized her. It never sang in her presence.
Allow me to encourage you with this: While The JelloGirl is utterly erotic, she cannot compete with you. If he has tasted the wild-honey of the Wonder of your Soul Essence; if you have shown him The Dazzling Darkness; if you are the Other Half of his Being... the JelloGirl cannot compete with that. Yes, it's true, her naked and erotic body is unstoppable; but he has seen the Ultimate Beauty Bare, has stood transfixed before the Nakedness of your Inner Person; no one in the Universe, but he, has seen that Beauty, Glory, and Wonder of your True Being. This Reality cries to him, ever cries to him, "you are just like me, you are just like me"! ... the JelloGirl cannot hope to compete with that. He can love no one but you; as you can love no one but him; not in any meaningful sense; a function of natural law - just as protons and neutrons must come together, and remain together, so you two, eventually and inexorably, must come together, and remain together. And if you are apart from him right now, waiting to be with him, you can know that a kiss from another would feel as death itself to him; if he is aware of you, there will be no kisses from others now; but, even if there were, in the midst of that "kiss of death," he would yearn and mourn for you!
"I am nothing special; just a common man with
common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments
dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one
respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived:
I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has
always been enough... Will you do something for me, please? Just
picture your life for me? 30 years from now, 40 years from now?
What's it look like? If it's with him, go. Go! I lost you once, I
think I can do it again. If I thought that's what you really wanted.
But don't you take the easy way out
."
No Fear He was made to love you; only you. Never worry that you will lose him, that Special Person. That is not possible.You cannot lose yourself.
It is significant that Silver Birch offers the comfort, "no need to fear." He does so because true lovers fear only one thing. They no longer fear death; no, not at all; in fact, often would welcome it, in their grief for that Absent One. Primal fear has been transferred to something else - they fear not seeing each other again, are terrorized by that prospect. Silver Birch, understanding all this, offers solace: "There is no need to fear" ... you "will not be separated" ... there will no longer be "any parting"!
Unspoken Pledges of The Soul Certain illusions in life might temporarily convince us - in our times of darkness and despair - that we might lose a True Partner; that we might fail to find her, fail to be with her. Circumstances, in this troubled life, at times, can seem complicated; but they are one missed heartbeat away from the slashing of that Gordian Knot. The truth is, everything is ok. And not even the most wonderful resume; not even extreme knee-buckling jello-beauty; not even a wonderful person like Denise, once eyes have opened, will derail that cosmic process of Mutually-Destined Souls who cannot but find each other. As Silver Birch instructs, the soul has its "unspoken pledges"; and those pledges will veto and overrule anything that "some fool," in one's immaturity, might have once assented to; assuredly, it will have its way. It shall not be thwarted, as it has sufficient firepower to make it so. And it will seek for, and find, whatever the cost, its Missing Half. The Soul's intensity of purpose is fierce, unremitting, uncompromising, and it will not rest until it is resting with her! This is the essence of Soulmate, Myself.
... to be continued
| ||||||||||||||||||||||||
Please tell your friends about this web site. |
