|
Word Gems
What is a man but
the sum of his thoughts?
Humor
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The trouble with eating Italian food is that,
five or six days later, you're hungry again.
George Miller
Personal Statement
#8: THE GRANDFATHER: Killing Ourselves Laughing: The Way We
Were: Worshipping The Goddess Of Labor
James Herriot: All Creatures Great and
Small
JFK: Alfred
E. Smith Memorial Dinner
Hubert
Humphrey: the West Virginia Primary
fiasco
David
Chalmers: Why Did the Chicken Cross
the Road?
Ronald Reagan: The Agenda is Victory
Ronald Reagan, 1994: As he left the world stage,
after being diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he said goodbye to a
colleague by joking, "There's one good thing: Every day I meet new
people."
Douglas Adams, The
Restaurant at the End of the Universe: "In the beginning the
Universe was created. This
has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a
bad move."
Ronald Reagan, 1981: The President quips at a
surprise birthday party, a reference to the White House as a
combined workplace and residence, a reminder of his father's
business in Tampico, IL: "I'm back living above the store
again."
Space.com: "There is no doubt there are worlds
out there beyond our own cabal of planets, but even if you've got
the heaviest of foot on the accelerator, plotting a speedy route to
the stars is not easy... Jordin Kare, a technical consultant on
advanced space systems based in Seattle, Washington [says]... 'I
suspect the only way we're likely to send humans to the stars is if
robots go first and find a planet we can live on'... [but] there's
another way to send people to the stars, not by sending them
physically but by sending them as information on a laser beam. The
first stage is downloading your brain into a computer, then have a
copy emailed to Alpha Centauri, where pre-positioned nanotech robots
build you a new body. 'You
wouldn't even notice the 4.3 years you spend in transit. Of course,
if the email bounces, you're in trouble.'"
Now, dogs,
they take care of their own!
| Don Knotts could make me laugh as few
others. Barney Fife is a masterpiece expression of Don's
comic-genius. Barney is bumbling and incompetent yet so
self-assured; easily offended and overly sensitive but ready
to display bravado; not-too-bright, a little dim, but this
does not stop the unwarranted and ready arrogance - yet, the
good-natured persona of Don shining through, Barney is loved
by all. There are many funny scenes that have stayed with
me forever, e.g., Gomer's "citizen's arrest" of Barney. But
a real favorite is the one about Barney and the 20
dogs that invaded Mayberry. Barney loads them into the
squadcar and deposits them in a cow pasture. Having returned
to the office, Barney is pleased with himself - until the
distant clamor of an impending electrical storm forces him
into a heavy session of guilt and soul-searching about the
welfare of the mutts. I love his rambling, justifying
self-talk: "Now, dogs,
they take care of their own. Not like giraffes, you know -
selfish giraffes! lookin' out for number-one! runnin' around!
gettin' strict by lightnin'! Now, dogs, they take care of
their own." Convincing no one with this blather, least
of all himself, he suddenly bolts from the office, and in the
next scene we find him mobbed by the yapping pack of sopping,
wet-dog-smelling canines. Another classic snippet, one that
instantly makes me want to laugh, is when Barney bets
Andy that he can repeat, verbatim, the Preamble of the
Constitution (episode #103: Opie’s Ill-Gotten
Gain, 1963)
- all he needs, Barney assures his boss, is just a few hints
to get him started. Andy begins with, "We ... the people," graciously
attempting to prime-the-pump of Barney's memory; and, with
each clue, Barney repeats the cues, but with a hubristic
expression that says, "I knew it all the time." This process
continues, with Barney in deep denial, blustering his way
through each phrase of the Preamble, not remembering a single
word on his own - until the climax, the very end, Andy offers:
"the United ... the United" - Barney can't even come up with
"United States of America." This, however, doesn't stop him
from claiming victory with that characteristic curled lower
lip and look of smug arrogance. If I had to choose a single
scene from the many, this little skit, I think, was one of Don
Knotts' greatest
moments. |
The Andy Griffith Show: Opie Flunks Arithmetic
(1965):
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Aunt Bee: [The grocer told her that] Einstein was a dropout!
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Barney: Well, that was some time back, Aunt
Bee - it was a little easier to get by then. And besides, who knows how far he might have
gone if he hadn't been a dropout.
Archie Bunker: "I gotta letcha know - and I say
'dis very sinseriously."
George McFly to Lorraine Baines, Back to the Future: George reads from a
prepared script his 4-word message to a nodding-in-agreement,
serious-faced Lorraine who finds deep meaning in: "I am your density,
Lorraine."
Doc Holliday, Wyatt
Earp, the movie: "My momma always told me - never put off 'till
tomorrow somebody you can shoot today."
Richard Forkun: "If a man speaks in a forest,
but there's no woman around to hear him - is he still
wrong?"
Will Rogers: Don't gamble. Take all your savings
and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it
don't go up, don't buy it.
Mark Twain, A Plan for
the Improvement of English Spelling: "For example, in Year 1
that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased either by
'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the
alphabet. The only kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the
'ch' formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform
'w' spelling, so that which and one would take the same konsonant,
wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear 4
might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the
improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with
useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and
the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or sou, it
wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y'
and 'x' - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu
riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th' rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20
iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in
ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld."
Wernher von Braun: "Crash programs fail because
they are based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can
get a baby a month."
Benjamin Graham, father of value investing and
mentor to Warren Buffett, liked telling this story: An oil prospector died and found
himself at the entrance to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him
with the troubling news that although the prospector was qualified
to enter heaven, all the spots reserved for oilmen had been
taken. There was no room for him. After thinking for a
minute, the prospector asked if he might say just four words to the
present occupants. That seemed harmless to St. Peter. So the
prospector cupped his hands and yelled: "Oil discovered in hell!"
Heaven's great gate burst open, and the oilmen rushed for the
Devil's headquarters. St. Peter was so impressed that he invited the
prospector in. "No," replied
the prospector, "I think I'd better go along with the rest of the
boys. You never know, there just might be some truth to that
rumor."
Winston Churchill: At a dinner party young
Winston, who at the time had a moustache, was seated next to an
impertinent older woman, a friend of his mother: "Young man, I care neither for your politics nor
for your moustache." He reassured her, "I see no earthly reason why
you should come into contact with either."
Groucho
Marx: Some people claim that marriage interferes with
romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your
wife is bound to interfere."
Winston Churchill: Making light of the need to
follow absolutely the rules of grammar, Churchill focused on
dangling prepositions: "That
is something up with which I will not put."
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Bob Clampett
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1913
- 1984
| Throughout the 1930s and 1940s the cartoon
was a popular supplement of feature films, and many of the
legendary animators such as Bob Clampett were in their prime.
The cartoon was experiencing a golden age. From 1941 to 1948
Warner Bros. animation was largely tempered by the spirit of
Bob Clampett, a sense of the fast and unrestrained. During
this period Clampett's brilliance was the equal of any in
American film history. A playful, idiosyncratic man, Clampett -
the creator of Tweety Bird and other loveables - often
injected an element of childlike innocence into his art; one
of his favorite bits was to have a character stop and chirp:
"I'm only twee-and-a-half- years old." Clampett was the
right man for his time. His aggressiveness and lack of
restraint fit the mood of the country during the World War II
years. ( That's All Folks! The Art of
Warner Bros. Animation by Steve Schneider)
|
John J. DiIulio Jr., former Bush aide, 5-10-04:
"Mayberry
Machiavellis" running the White House.
Groucho Marx: "I was married by a judge - it should have been
a jury!"
Humor by
Lincoln
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "There was a
young man who enlisted in the War of 1812. He was bidding farewell
to his sweetheart who had embroidered on his
bullet-pouch the slogan, Victory Or
Death . Well, the young man thought it over for a few moments
and then said, 'Ain't that
a little strong? Couldn't ya write, Victory Or Be Crippled
?"
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): Telling a story
during the Presidential campaign regarding the divided electorate:
"Two ladies who were Quakers were overheard in conversation: 'I
think Judge Douglas will be President!' - 'Why dost thou think
so?' - "Because Judge Douglas is a praying man.' - 'So is Abraham Lincoln a praying
man.' - 'Yes, but the Lord will think that Abraham is
joking.'"
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "[General]
McClellan doesn't know the difference between a chestnut horse and
a horse chestnut."
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "Tell [General]
Hooker to stop sending me urgent messages datelined: 'Headquarters
in the Saddle.' The
trouble with Hooker is that he's got his headquarters where his
hindquarters ought to be!"
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): Asking, around
the table, all of his cabinet ministers for their opinion on a
matter, and receiving a unanimous negative response, in the face
of his own steadfast purpose: "Well, gentlemen, it seems that the 'ayes'
have it."
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "That reminds
me of a story: about the man who was walking a country lane with a
pitchfork over his shoulder. Just then a mad dog rushed out to him
from a farm house and attacked him. So the man had to kill the dog
with the pitchfork. The angry farmer said, 'Why did ya kill my dog?' -
'Well, why did your dog attack me?' - 'Well, why didn't ya fend
him off with the blunt end?' - 'Well, why didn't your dog attack
me with his blunt end?'"
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Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "Telegraph this
to Major General Sheridan in the field: 'Suspend execution of
death sentence in this case and send record of trial to me for
re-examination.' If a man had more than one life, I think perhaps
that a little hanging wouldn't hurt this man; but as he has only
one, I think I will pardon him. A. Lincoln.'"
Q
speaking to Worf, episode Deja-Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation:
"Eaten any good books
lately?"
Dave Barry, Dear Mister
Language Person: Q. Like
millions of Americans, I cannot grasp the extremely subtle difference between the
words "your" and "you're." A. Top grammar scientists are often
confused by these two words, which are technically known as
"bivalves," or words that appear to be identical and have hinged
shells. The best way to tell them apart is to remember that "you're"
is a contraction, which is a type of word used during childbirth, as
in: "Hang on, Marlene, here
comes you're baby!" Whereas "your" is, grammatically, a
prosthetic infarction, which means a word that is used to score a debating point in
an Internet chat room, as in: "Your a looser, you morron!" Q.
What about "yore"? A. That refers to "the days of yore," when there was a lot of yore
lying around, as a result of pigs.
Baer & Gensler, The
Great Mutual Fund Trap: "... the dumbest ideas of human history: The
Children's Crusade; invading Russia in the fall; and,
day-trading."
Unknown: "Humor is truth intoxicated."
Lord Birkett, Observer, 1960: "I do not object to people
looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object
when they start shaking them to make certain they are still
going."
Jay Leno: “With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up
the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu
and terrorist attacks, are
we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?”
"The Hatrocks And The Gruesomes" (January,
1965)
Fred must deal with Jethro Hatrock and an old
family feud.
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Editor's note: Maybe it's a nostalgia thing,
but this clip seems so funny to me. The title alone is too
much.
Dave Barry : "There was a major collapse in the
credit market, caused by the fact that for most of this decade,
every other radio commercial has been some guy selling mortgages to
people who clearly should not have mortgages. ('No credit? No job?
On death row? No problem!') It got so bad that you couldn't let your
dog run loose because it would come home with a mortgage. The
subprime mortgage fiasco resulted in huge stock market losses, and
the executives responsible,
under the harsh rules of Wall Street justice, were forced to accept
lucrative retirement packages."
Four Stages of
Life:
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1) You believe in Santa Claus.
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2) You don't believe in Santa
Claus.
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3) You are Santa Claus.
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4) You look like Santa
Claus.
David Astor: Don't invest all your money in just
one or two stocks. I know a man who put all his money in just two
stocks -- a paper towel company and a revolving door company. He was
wiped out before he could turn around.
Benjamin Disraeli: The British Prime Minister
was asked by a newly-minted House of Commons member as to whether he
should actively participate in floor debate. Disraeli, appraising
the young man, responded, "No, I think it would be better if you did
not; better if the House
wondered why you didn't speak than why you did."
C.S. Lewis, The Problem
of Pain: "I asked [my publisher] ... to be allowed to write ...
anonymously, since ... I [would] make statements of such apparent
fortitude that they would become ridiculous if anyone knew who made
them. Anonymity was rejected ... [but my publisher] pointed out that I could
write a preface explaining that I did not live up to my own
principles! This exhilarating programme I am now carrying out."
61*, the movie: a
member of the press corps whispers to a colleague regarding the aged
and gaunt appearance of the baseball commissioner: "...dis guy died an' nobody told
'im"
Lily Tomlin: "No matter how cynical you get, it
is impossible to keep up."
Graeme Skeet: my old college mate from England
shared this with me: "Beauty
is in the eye of the beer holder"
6-21-10:
Editor's note: Before
there was Sesame Street, there was
Sherri Lewis. Few were as entertaining for children
as this most attractive and fun-loving lady. Sherri's beloved
Lambchop invaded our German farming community, and we first-graders
would ever be held in this puppet-mistress' artistic thrall. I liked
Lampchop a lot, but, just now, I recall one of my little playmates
who really liked that little fuzzy! She
imitated Lampchop, giggled and carried on like Lambchop, tried to
become Lambchop; but, in retrospect, I now see that a metamorphosis
of a higher order was in play as she, herself, would evolve into a
pesky, artistic, and beautiful version of Lambchop's sparkling-eyed
guardian.
Johnny Carson, advice on keeping safe with
sharks: "Do not leave Kansas City... and always use the buddy
system: if you meet a shark,
give him your buddy!"
Concerning Wikileaks and Julian Assange, Governor Mike
Huckabee (Dec 7, 2010): "If we want to keep our nation's secrets
'SECRET,' store them where President Obama stores his college
transcripts and birth certificate."
Father Robert Benson, channeled
testimony from the Other Side, laments how people easily label
anything they do not understand, but fear, as demonic: "We, who have
come back from these beautiful realms to tell you something of our
life and our lands, are oft-times called emissaries of the devil.
What the Churches would do
without their great friend, the Devil, it is hard to know."
Humor by Stephen Wright
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I bought some batteries... but they weren't
included... so I had to buy them again.
- I invented the cordless extension cord.
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- In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the
man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd
number.
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Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vue at
the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
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I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do
you know the speed limit here is 50 miles per hour?' So I said,
'oh, that's OK, I'm not
going that far.’
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"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of
mistakes."
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I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the
day because that means it's going to be up all night.
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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You
couldn't park anywhere near the place.
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When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, " what d'ya need?"
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I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot
and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front
door wouldn't open.
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When I turned two I was really anxious,
because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,
by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
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I went to a general store. They wouldn't let
me buy anything specifically.
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When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It
was a quicksand box. I was an only child...
eventually.
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I busted a mirror and got seven years bad
luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
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The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't
me.
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I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The
other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in
two minutes.
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I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept
wandering.
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Power outage at a department store
yesterday... twenty people were trapped on the
escalators.
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Winny and I lived in a house that ran on
static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to
rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull
off a sweater real quick...
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I know a lady who tried to rob a
department store... with a pricing gun... she said, "Give me all of the money in the
vault, or I'm marking down everything in the
store."
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The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them
whenever I can. Fred, Barney.
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The guy said, 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student
loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your last
17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like to
know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it
to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and
with it he built a nuclear weapon...and I'd really appreciate it if you never
called me again.'
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Everywhere is walking distance if you have the
time.
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Borrow money from pessimists - they don't
expect it back.
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I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford
Clinic.
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I'm writing an unauthorized
autobiography.
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I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery.
When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said,
"Hey, the sign says you're open 24-hours." He said, "Yeah, but not in a
row."
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After they make styrofoam, what do they ship
it in?
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I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but
only for a second.
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I bought my brother some gift-wrap for
Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told
them to wrap it.
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I have an answering machine in my car. It says
"I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm
out."
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I installed a skylight in my apartment. The
people who live above me are furious!
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I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired
because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an
80 foot stepladder with a coat-hanger.
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I bought some powdered water, but I didn't
know what to add.
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I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's
gone.
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I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but
I don't have that much time.
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I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast
at any time." So I ordered French toast during the
Renaissance.
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I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped
by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per
hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that
long..."
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The other day, I was walking my dog around my
building... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not
me, I'm afraid of
widths.
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Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it
because of that song?
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My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't
know how she did it, but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it
itched, the only way she could scratch it was to think about
sandpaper.
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I have a map of the United States... actual
size. It says, "scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer
folding it.
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The original Hollywood
Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not
scripted:
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Q. Do female frogs
croak?
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A. Paul Lynde: Only if you hold
their little heads under water long enough.
-
-
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Q. If you're going to make a
parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
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A. Charley Weaver: Three days of
steady drinking should do it.
-
-
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Q. You've been having trouble
going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
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A. Don Knotts: That's what's been
keeping me awake.
-
-
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Q. According to Ann Landers, is
there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot
of people?
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A. Charley Weaver: It got me out
of the army.
-
-
-
Q. Jackie Gleason recently
revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen
them on at least two occasions. What are they?
-
A. Charley Weaver: His
feet.
Irwin
Corey: Marriage is like money in the bank: You put it in, you take it out, you lose
interest.
Archbishop William Temple: I believe in the holy Catholic Church, and I
deeply regret that it does not presently exist.
what did the chicken
do?
-
A
man inherited a parrot. At first he thought this was a good
thing. But the parrot would do nothing but swear. Its
language offended even hardened sailors.
-
On
the first day the man played for the parrot soothing music and put
its condition down to the stress of moving. On the second day
he tried witty put downs. On the third day he ignored
it. Nothing worked, the parrot still let forth a torrent of
blue words.
-
On
the fourth day, after a particularly creative insult involving his
mother, a goat, and the local vicar, the man grabbed the parrot by
the neck and thrust him into the freezer.
-
For a few minutes the parrot continued
unabated. Then everything went quiet. The man, worried that he had
killed the parrot, took a peek into the freezer. The parrot hopped
out, was strangely silent, and then said:
-
"I am
most terribly sorry, old chap, if I in any way offended you
earlier with my choice language. Could I just ask... what did the chicken
do?"
Humor by
Churchill
President John F. Kennedy said
this of Winston Churchill's rhetoric: "In the dark days and
darker nights when England stood alone - and most men save
Englishmen despaired of England's life - he mobilized the English
language and sent it into battle."
-
A sheep in sheep's clothing. (On
Clement Atlee)
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A modest man, who has much to be modest
about. (On Clement Atlee)
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A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and
won't change the subject.
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An empty taxi arrived at 10 Downing
Street, and when the door was opened, Atlee got out.
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Golf is a game whose aim it is to hit a
very small ball into an even smaller hole with weapons singularly
ill-designed for the purpose.
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History will be kind to me for I intend
to write it.
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However beautiful the strategy, you should
occasionally look at the results.
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I am always ready to learn but not
always ready to be taught.
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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look
down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
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I'm just now preparing my impromptu
remarks.
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If Hitler invaded hell I would make at
least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of
Commons.
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It is well said, there is nothing wrong in
change if it is in the right direction.
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Mr. Chamberlain loves the working man,
he loves to see him work.
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Mr. Gladstone read Homer for fun, which
I thought served him right.
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Now this is not the end. It is not even
the beginning of the end; but it is, perhaps, the end of the
beginning.
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The Americans can be counted on to do the
right thing - after they've tried everything else.
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The problems of victory are more
agreeable than the problems of defeat, but they are no less
difficult.
-
There is nothing more exhilarating than
to be shot at without result.
-
This report, by its very length,
defends itself against the risk of being read.
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When you have to kill a man, it costs
nothing to be polite.
Robin Williams, Patch
Adams: speaking to a cattlemen's group, "Pork packers, rump
wrappers, bull shippers, lend me your steers!"
from the
risqué department (I had to post this as it's very clever)
... The Playboy Advisor was asked the question,
"Can the mind will an erection?" The answer, "Yes, but the estate
taxes are incredible."
|
meat first and spoon vittles to top off
on! |
Editor's
note: This is an excerpt from my essay on Huck
Finn:
-
In what might be the novel’s funniest scene,
the drunken Boggs, like Warner Brothers’ Yosemite Sam on a
rampage, gallops and careens into town where “[e]verybody yelled at him and laughed at him
and sassed him, and he sassed back, and said he’d attend to them
and lay them out in their regular turns, but he couldn’t wait now
because he’d come to town to kill Col. Sherburn, and his motto
was, Meat first and spoon vittles to top off on.” This is
hilarious, some of Twain’s best, I think. But the audience’s
mirth, here, is quickly dampened when Sherburn guns down in
cold-blood the sottish and pleading-for-mercy Boggs. Then, almost
worse, the pathetic Sherburn tries to convince all of us that he
is, in fact, a real man and a real hero – the quintessential man
of the South; unfortunately, for his day, he seems to be
correct.
| alotta Washingtons and Lafayettes hanging
on the wall, and a dead bird with his heels up, I Shall Never
Hear Thy Sweet Chirrup More Alas, And Art Thou Gone Yes Thou
Art Gone Alas... they always give me the
fan-tods! |
Editor's
note: This excerpt from Twain's Huck Finn, I think, is some of the funniest
writing anywhere, anytime!
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Well, there was a big outlandish parrot on each side of the
clock, made out of something like chalk, and painted up
gaudy. By one of the parrots was a cat made of crockery, and a
crockery dog by the other; and when you pressed down on them they
squeaked, but didn't open their mouths nor look different nor
interested. They squeaked
through underneath. There was a couple of big wild-turkey-wing fans
spread out behind those things. On the table in the middle of the
room was a kind of a lovely crockery basket that had apples and
oranges and peaches and grapes piled up in it, which was much redder and yellower and
prettier than real ones is, but they warn't real because
you could see where pieces had got chipped off and showed the
white chalk, or whatever it was, underneath. This table had a
cover made out of beautiful oilcloth, with a red and blue
spread-eagle painted on it, and a painted border all around. It
come all the way from
Philadelphia, they said. There was some books, too, piled
up perfectly exact,
on each corner of the table. One was a big family Bible full of
pictures. One was Pilgrim's Progress,
about a man that left his family, it didn't say why. I read considerable
in it now and then. The statements was interesting, but tough. Another was Friendship's Offering, full of beautiful stuff and
poetry; but I didn't read the poetry. Another was Henry
Clay's Speeches, and another was Dr.
Gunn's Family Medicine, which told you all about what to do
if a body was sick or
dead. There was a hymn book, and a lot of other books. And
there was nice split-bottom chairs, and perfectly sound, too --
not bagged down in the middle and busted, like an old basket.
They had pictures hung on
the walls -- mainly Washingtons and Lafayettes, and
battles, and Highland Marys, and one called "Signing the
Declaration." There was some that they called crayons, which one
of the daughters which was dead made her own self when she was
only fifteen years old. They was different from any pictures I
ever see before -- blacker, mostly, than is common. One was a woman in a slim black
dress, belted small under the armpits, with bulges like a cabbage
in the middle of the sleeves, and a large black scoop-shovel
bonnet with a black veil, and white slim ankles crossed
about with black tape, and very wee black slippers, like a chisel, and she was
leaning pensive on a
tombstone on her right elbow, under a weeping willow, and
her other hand hanging down her side holding a white handkerchief
and a reticule, and underneath the picture it said "Shall I Never See Thee More
Alas." Another one was a young lady with her hair all
combed up straight to the top of her head, and knotted there in
front of a comb like a
chair-back, and she was crying into a handkerchief and had
a dead bird laying on its back in her other hand with its heels up, and
underneath the picture it said "I Shall Never Hear Thy Sweet Chirrup More
Alas." There was one where a young lady was at a window
looking up at the moon, and tears running down her cheeks; and she
had an open letter in one hand with black sealing wax showing on
one edge of it, and she was mashing a locket with a chain to it
against her mouth, and underneath the picture it said "And Art Thou Gone Yes Thou Art
Gone Alas." These was all nice pictures, I reckon, but I
didn't somehow seem to take to them, because if ever I was down a
little they always give me the fan-tods. Everybody was sorry she died,
because she had laid out a lot more of these pictures to do, and a
body could see by what she had done what they had lost. But I
reckoned that with her disposition she was having a better time in the graveyard.
She was at work on what they said was her greatest picture when
she took sick, and every day and every night it was her prayer to
be allowed to live till she got it done, but she never got the
chance. It was a picture of a young woman in a long white gown,
standing on the rail of a bridge all ready to jump off, with her
hair all down her back, and looking up to the moon, with the tears
running down her face, and she had two arms folded across her breast, and
two arms stretched
out in front, and two
more reaching up towards the moon -- and the idea was to
see which pair would look best, and then scratch out all the other
arms; but, as I was saying, she died before she got her mind made
up, and now they kept this picture over the head of the bed in her
room, and every time her
birthday come they hung flowers on it. Other times it was
hid with a little
curtain. The young woman in the picture had a kind of a
nice sweet face, but there was so many arms it made her look too
spidery, seemed to me. This young girl kept a scrap-book when she was alive, and
used to paste obituaries and accidents and cases of patient
suffering in it out of the Presbyterian
Observer, and write
poetry after them out of her own head.... she could write
about anything you choose to give her to write about just so it was sadful.
Every time a man died, or a woman died, or a child died, she would
be on hand with her "tribute" before he was cold. She called them
tributes. The neighbors said it was the doctor first, then
Emmeline, then the undertaker -- the undertaker never got in ahead
of Emmeline but once... I
liked all that family, dead ones and all...
|
well, that's just how you know who your
friends are! |
Hans Christian
Andersen: The Ugly
Duckling
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"Can you lay eggs?" she asked. "No." "Then
have the goodness to hold your tongue." "Can you raise your back,
or purr, or throw out sparks?" said the tom cat. "No." "Then you
have no right to express an opinion when sensible people are
speaking."
CLICK
HERE for an excerpt from The Ugly Duckling
Did you hear the one about the Dalai
Lama? He stopped at a pizza joint and told the clerk behind the
counter, Make me One with
All!
And then there was the case of the
dyslexic agnostic... he pondered whether there is a Dog!
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