Word
Gems
What is a
man but the sum of his thoughts?
Humor
- Ronald Reagan, 1994: As he left the world stage, after being
diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease, he said goodbye to a colleague by joking, "There's one good thing: Every day I meet new people."
- Douglas
Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe:
"In
the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been
widely regarded as a bad move."
- George Miller: "The trouble with eating Italian food is
that, five or six days later, you're hungry again."
- Ronald Reagan, 1981: The President quips at a surprise birthday
party, a reference to the White House as a combined workplace and residence, a reminder of
his father's business in Tampico, IL: "I'm back living above
the store again."
- Space.com: "There is no doubt there are
worlds out there beyond our own cabal of planets, but even if you've got the heaviest of
foot on the accelerator, plotting a speedy route to the stars is not easy... Jordin Kare,
a technical consultant on advanced space systems based in Seattle, Washington [says]... 'I
suspect the only way we're likely to send humans to the stars is if robots go first and
find a planet we can live on'... [but] there's another way to send people to the stars,
not by sending them physically but by sending them as information on a laser beam. The
first stage is downloading your brain into a computer, then have a copy emailed to
Alpha Centauri, where pre-positioned nanotech robots build you a new body. 'You wouldn't
even notice the 4.3 years you spend in transit. Of course, if the
email bounces, you're in trouble.'"
| Don Knotts can make me laugh as few others. Barney Fife is
a masterpiece-expression of Don's comic-genius. Barney is bumbling and incompetent yet so
self-assured; easily offended and overly sensitive but ready to display bravado;
not-too-bright, a little dim, but this does not stop the unwarranted and ready arrogance
-- yet, the good-natured persona of Don shining through, Barney is loved by all. There are
so many funny scenes that have stayed with me forever, e.g., Gomer's "citizen's
arrest" of Barney; but a really great one is the one about Barney and the 20 dogs
that invaded Mayberry. Barney loads them into the squadcar and deposits them in a cow
pasture. Having returned to the office, Barney is pleased with himself -- until the
distant clamor of an impending electrical storm forces him into a heavy session of guilt
and soul-searching about the welfare of the mutts. His rambling, justifying self-talk I
find hilarious: "Now, dogs, they take care of their own. Not
like giraffes, ya know -- selfish giraffes! lookin' out for number-one! runnin' around!
gettin' strict by lightnin'! Now, dogs, they take care of their own."
Convincing no one with this blather, least of all himself, he suddenly bolts from the
office, and in the next scene we find him mobbed by the yapping pack of sopping,
wet-dog-smelling canines. But another classic snippet, one that instantly makes me want to
laugh, is the one where Barney bets Andy that he can repeat, verbatim, the Preamble of the
Constitution (episode
#103: Opie’s Ill-Gotten Gain, 1963) -- all he needs, Barney assures his boss,
is just a few hints to get him started. Andy begins with, "We
... the people ...," graciously attempting to prime-the-pump of Barney's
memory; and, with each clue, Barney repeats the cues, but with a hubristic expression that
says, "I knew it all the time." This process continues, with Barney in deep
denial, blustering his way through each phrase of the Preamble, not remembering a single
word on his own -- until the climax, the very end, Andy offers: "the United ... the
United" -- Barney can't even come up with "United States of America." This,
however, doesn't stop him from claiming victory with that characteristic curled lower lip
and look of smug arrogance. If I had to choose a single scene from the many, this little
skit, I think, was one of Don Knotts' greatest moments. |
- The Andy Griffith Show: Opie Flunks Arithmetic (1965):
- Aunt Bee: [The grocer told her that] Einstein was
a dropout!
-
- Barney: Well, that was some time back, Aunt Bee -- it was a little
easier to get by then. And besides, who knows how far he might have
gone if he hadn't been a dropout.
- Archie Bunker: "I gotta letcha know -- and I say 'dis very
sinseriously..."
- George McFly to Lorraine Baines, Back to the Future:
George reads from a prepared script his 4-word message to a nodding-in-agreement,
serious-faced Lorraine who finds deep meaning in: "I am your density,
Lorraine."
- Doc Holliday, Wyatt Earp, the movie: "My momma
always told me -- never put off 'till tomorrow somebody you can
shoot today."
- Mark Twain, A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling:
"For example, in Year 1 that useless letter 'c' would be dropped to be replased
either by 'k' or 's', and likewise 'x' would no longer be part of the alphabet. The only
kase in which 'c' would be retained would be the 'ch' formation, which will be dealt with
later. Year 2 might reform 'w' spelling, so that which and one would
take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish 'y' replasing it with 'i' and Iear
4 might fiks the 'g/j' anomali wonse and for all. Jenerally, then, the improvement would
kontinue iear bai iear with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears
6-12 or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai Iear 15 or
sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 'c', 'y' and 'x' - bai
now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu riplais 'ch', 'sh', and 'th'
rispektivli. Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a lojikl,
kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld."
- Wernher von Braun: "Crash programs fail because they are
based on the theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month."
- Winston Churchill: At a dinner party young Winston, who at the
time had a moustache, was seated next to an impertinent older woman, a friend of his
mother: "Young man, I care neither for your politics nor for your moustache." He
reassured her, "I see no earthly reason why you should come into contact with
either."
- Winston Churchill: Making light of the need to
follow absolutely the rules of grammar, Churchill focused on dangling prepositions:
"That is something up with which I will not put."
|
- Bob Clampett
-
- a.k.a.
- Wobert Cwampett
May 8, 1913 - May 4, 1984
|
| Throughout the 1930s and 1940s the cartoon was a popular supplement of
feature films, and many of the legendary animators such as Bob Clampett were in their
prime. The cartoon was experiencing a golden age. From 1941 to 1948 Warner Bros. animation
was largely tempered by the spirit of Bob Clampett, a sense of the fast and unrestrained.
During this period Clampett's brilliance was the equal of any in American film history. A
playful, idiosyncratic man, Clampett -- the creator of Tweety Bird and other loveables --
often injected an element of childlike innocence into his art; one of his favorite bits
was to have a character stop and chirp: "I'm only twee-and-a-half- years old."
Clampett was the right man for his time. His aggressiveness and lack of restraint fit the
mood of the country during the World War II years. (That's All Folks! The Art of
Warner Bros. Animation by Steve Schneider) |
- John J. DiIulio Jr., former Bush aide, 5-10-04: "Mayberry Machiavellis" running the White House.
- Groucho Marx: "I was married by a judge -- it should have
been a jury!"
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "There was a young man who
enlisted in the War of 1812. And he was bidding farewell to his sweetheart who had
embroidered on his bullet pouch the words, Victory Or
Death. Well, the young man thought it over for a few moments and said, 'Ain't
that a little strong? Couldn't ya write, Victory Or Be Crippled?"
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): Telling a story during the
Presidential campaign regarding the divided electorate: "Two ladies who were Quakers
were overheard in conversation: 'I think Judge Douglas will be President!' -- 'Why dost
thou think so?' -- "Because Judge Douglas is a praying man.' -- 'So is Abraham
Lincoln a praying man.' -- 'Yes, but the Lord will think that
Abraham Lincoln is joking.'"
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "[General] McClellan doesn't
know the difference between a chestnut horse and a horse chestnut."
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "Tell [General] Hooker to
stop sending me urgent messages datelined: 'Headquarters in the Saddle.' The trouble with
Hooker is that he's got his headquarters where his hindquarters
ought to be!"
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): Asking, around the table, all of
his cabinet ministers for their opinion on a matter, and receiving a unanimous negative
response, in the face of his own steadfast purpose: "Well,
gentlemen, it seems that the 'ayes' have it."
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "That reminds me of a story:
about the man who was walking a country lane with a pitchfork over his shoulder. Just then
a mad dog rushed out to him from a farm house and attacked him. So the man had to kill the
dog with the pitchfork. The angry farmer said, 'Why did ya kill my dog?' -- 'Well, why did
your dog attack me?' -- 'Well, why didn't ya fend him off with the blunt end?' -- 'Well, why didn't your dog attack me with his blunt end?'"
- Abraham Lincoln (paraphrased): "Telegraph this to Major
General Sheridan in the field: 'Suspend execution of death sentence in this case and send
record of trial to me for re-examination.' If a man had more than
one life, I think perhaps that a little hanging wouldn't hurt this man; but as he has only
one, I think I will pardon him. A. Lincoln.'"
- Q speaking to Worf, episode Deja-Q, Star Trek: The Next Generation:
"Eaten any good books lately?"
- Dave Barry, Dear Mister Language Person:
- Q. Like millions of Americans, I cannot
grasp the extremely subtle
- difference between the words "your" and
"you're."
- A. Top grammar scientists are often
confused by these two words,
- which are technically known as
"bivalves," or words that appear
- to be identical and have hinged shells.
The best way to tell them
- apart is to remember that "you're" is a
contraction, which is a
- type of word used during childbirth, as
in: "Hang on, Marlene,
- here comes you're baby!" Whereas "your"
is, grammatically, a
- prosthetic infarction, which means a word
that is used to score a
- debating point in an Internet chat room,
as in: "Your a looser, you
- morron!"
- Q. What about "yore"?
- A. That refers to "the days of yore," when there was a
lot of yore
- lying around, as a result of pigs.
- Baer & Gensler, The Great Mutual Fund Trap:
"... the dumbest ideas of human history: The Children's Crusade; invading Russia in
the fall; and, day-trading..."
- Unknown: "Humor is truth intoxicated."
- OpinionJournal.com, July 28, 2006: "'Tour de France winner
Floyd Landis denied on Thursday taking performance-enhancing drugs during the race and
said he would fight to clear his name after testing positive for the male sex hormone
testosterone,' Reuters reports. Only the French would consider the
presence of testosterone in a man's system suspicious." (This little snippet
was found under the headline, "Worse Yet, He Tested Negative For Cheese.")
- Lord Birkett, Observer, 1960: "I do not object to
people looking at their watches when I am speaking. But I strongly object when they start
shaking them to make certain they are still going."
- Jay Leno: “With
hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of
Allegiance?”
-
Dave
Barry : "There was
a major collapse in the credit market, caused by the fact that for
most of this decade, every other radio commercial has been some
guy selling mortgages to people who clearly should not have
mortgages. ('No credit? No job? On death row? No problem!') It got
so bad that you couldn't
let your dog run loose because it would come home with a
mortgage. The subprime mortgage fiasco resulted in huge
stock market losses, and the executives responsible, under the harsh rules
of Wall Street justice, were forced to accept lucrative retirement
packages."
-
Benjamin
Disraeli: The British Prime Minister was asked by a
newly-minted House of Commons member as to whether he should
actively participate in floor debate. Disraeli, appraising the
young man, responded, "No, I think it would be better if you did
not; better if the House wondered why you
didn't speak than why you did
."
-
C.S. Lewis, The Problem
of Pain: "I asked [my publisher] ... to be
allowed to write ... anonymously, since ... I [would] make
statements of such apparent fortitude that they would become
ridiculous if anyone knew who made them. Anonymity was rejected
... [but my publisher] pointed out that I could write a preface
explaining that I did not live up to my own principles! This
exhilarating programme I am now carrying
out."
|
